“All of it, every insult, every innuendo, every day of every year, flying down on the Trojans in a torrent of crazy quarterback scrambles and nutty cornerback blitzes and one final tipped-pass punch in the gut of common sense.

Torn apart was a spot in the national championship game. Torn out was a new addition to the dynasty. Shredded were the legends that have become the USC football team, collecting in scraps at the feet of a howling, growling UCLA team that may never have stood stronger than it did Saturday.”

Woohoo.

One last thing, that I just have to say.  “They FOUND you, Miss New Booty!”

This woman is being paid 370 grand a year for overseeing a fund to help 9-11 responders. So far the fund has spent 40 million dollars on lawyers and overhead and not one sick person has been helped. There’s a joke here somewhere, but I’m not sure where.

I was also reading an article about Angelina Jolie in India. Apparently while driving away from paparazzi, her car hit a teenager on a motorbike. I’m assuming the teenager is still alive, they didn’t say. So now when Angelina Jolie is driving anywhere, the Indian Army is lining the streets. I assumed it was to protect her from justifiable outrage over the lack of her prosecution. Ha Ha, I forgot, this is India and she’s a celebrity. The army is there to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself by hitting anything larger than a motorbike on India’s roads. How on earth could I have been so stupid?

I’m working at a company called Financial Management Advisors. This is a 35 person company that manages like 1.5 billion dollars, making it smalelr than my old company.  I am working here partially because the position is good. Partially because the money is better than I was getting anywhere else. Partially cause this was the only real offer I got, and still the best one I would have gotten. Partially cause I can maybe get a decent raise in six months that will make me very happy, or I can stick it out for a couple years and move on to something better.  But mostly I am working at Financial Management Advisors because of the name. It is exactly what it says it is. They are Financial Management Advisors. No cute little things with the name.  It’s the Snakes on a Plane of finance. A good company, small, low budget, and underappreciated.  But fun, nevertheless. And I get to do trading and shit, even if there isnt that much of it. I get to model portfolios and pick bonds to buy and sell and eventually learn all this lovely stuff that will hopefully make me eminently employable by someone bigger and more badass.  I wanna be badass. Sigh…I guess I should study…

I started taking the bus to work cause I have to pay for parking and it would cost me 180 bucks a month.  So I take the bus at 6 in the morning.  I took the the wrong bus today. Even though I was at the right stop and the bus was exactly on time, it was still the wrong one. A girl on the bus may have been flirting with me. I can never tell.  But I know that I don’t strike up conversations with strangers on the bus, so maybe she was. I feel pretty. Hehehehe. I will take the wrong bus again until I meet this mystery girl and get to the bottom of what shall no doubt be a rather banal nothingness!  But I will be amused.  And that’s all that really matters in the end.

1. Monsoons are cool in theory but suck to be stuck in. It’s neat to watch one when you’re drinking chai in a little outdoor cafe, but they kinda suck when they kill the power to your hotel and you have to take a showerin the dark. With no hot water. And the shower doesn’t work so you’re taking a cold shower in the dark with a bucket.
2. When you’re in a cab in the middle of a monsoon rain, that actually legally qualifies as a near death experience.
3. Traffic regulation is nonexistent and if you ever actually STOP, well, that’s just considered a failure.
4. If it’s hot enough, then even if you’re drinking around 4 giant bottles of water, you never have to actually pee.
5. Every single restaurant is a “Garden Restaurant”.
6. India has entrepeneurship down pat, but they need to devote some serious money t0 forming a good advertising industry because OH MY GOD THESE SLOGANS AND COMMERCIALS ARE MIND BENDINGLY BAD.
7. Don’t drink the water unless it’s bottled.
8. The cell phones are, ironically, more advanced than ours.
9. Taking malaria medication without eating goes down in my book as a SERIOUSLY BAD IDEA.
10. Two thousand year old man made caves with sculptures and paintings are kinda cool.
11. 900 year old impregnable forts are really really cool.
11A. Corollary to 11: Bats suck. I realized last time I was in India that monkeys suck. But bats are scary as hell. Especially when you’re in a tunnel in a fort and it’s pitch black and all you hear is the CHITTERING of thousands of BATS AND OH MY GOD WHAT DID I ALMOST STEP IN?!?!
12. Everything is incredibly cheap here, the service kinda sucks but BARGAINING IS AWESOME. My mom was bargaining for this thing yesterday and she actually drew a crowd of merchants to watch. After she left and went to the next shop the guy didn’t even try to cheat her, he just quoted the bottom price and that was that. This actually explains a lot about my childhood.
13. I could TOTALLY be a VJ for the Indian version of MTV.
14. Train stations are really really nasty and kind of flat out scary. Going to the bathroom in a train makes you very very glad that you’re able to pee standing up.
15. In the nicer restaurants, they’re not allowed to accept tips. It’s been two days and I am STILL in shock over this one.
16. HBO is a standard basic cable channel.
17. A blind man at a tomb we went to asked me where I was from when I walked in. He could tell my relatives were from Punjab. No one had SAID anything. So I learned that being blind apparently gives you super powers and I’m trying not to think about this one too much cause it’s a little freaky.
18. I really really want a motorcycle now. It’s the preferred mode of transportation of my PEOPLE, damnit!
19. Even Indians that are born here can’t count in Hindi. What the heck kind of language has a hundred different numbers from 1-100? Twenty one is NOT the same pattern as twenty two or thirty one! Argh!
20. The last thing I’ve learned or made up learning so far: As shallow as it may sound, I don’t ever want to be this poor. That whole “material possessions don’t mean anything” stuff? Tell that to someone living in a tiny ass shack. Then tell them how jealous you are that they are so rich in spirit. Wait an hour or two for them to stop laughing and then come talk to me. I’m perfectly happy seeking enlightenment with a good roof on my head, a nice car, and the things in life that make LIVING just fun. It doesn’t demean one to enjoy fine things in life and to pursue them actively. And there are around a billion people in this country alone who I am pretty sure would agree with me, given how actively they try to gouge me when I’m buying little trinkets. Honestly, cheating white people is one thing, but me? That’s just mean!

I am in India, specifically Mumbai. It’s a tiny little city of 10 million people, all of whom drive worse than I do. Yah I know, I didn’t think that was possible either. It’s hot. It’s really really blody hot. And humid. And going to get hotter and more humid and the monsoons are COMIIINNGGG… But Tina, my new pink bunny friend, assures me that I have nothing to worry about as long as I don’t start to hallucinate or anything. I like Tina. She is bunnishly cute. I got here saturday night. I left California on Friday at 1am. Let’s hear it for time delay. I actually managed to sleep almost the entire time I was in a plane. Let’s hear it for Xanax. That stuff WORKS. You don’t think it’s workng cause you don’t feel sleepy and then you nod off for a minute and all of a sudden it’s 9 hours later. I haven’t slept nine continuous hours in like a decade and I did it on a PLANE. I can see how this stuff might be mildly addictive. I’m going to have 30 days with no meat and no alcohol. Can you say detox, boys and girls?

Anyway. I’m here. I am currently with one of my Dad’s brothers’ family. Damn people seriously look different than you remember them from a decade ago. Very offputting. I keep having to suprress the urge to treat 17 year old cousins like they’re still three. Our car blew a tire on the way to my uncle’s house from the airport. That was fun. I also learn little bits and pieces of family history that are somewhat offputting. They’re coincidential, but still a little bit disturbing. I haven’t done much yet cept go to a market and look for pretty sharp things, but they were nowhere to be found. My search continues. Tonight we’re going to take a train for eight hours to see these manmade caves for a couple days, so that should be interesting. Sculptures and cultural goodness. That should be enough inbox clogging for one day. Enjoy.

I am in India, specifically Mumbai. It’s a tiny little city of 10 million people, all of whom drive worse than I do. Yah I know, I didn’t think that was possible either. It’s hot. It’s really really blody hot. And humid. And going to get hotter and more humid and the monsoons are COMIIINNGGG… But Tina, my new pink bunny friend, assures me that I have nothing to worry about as long as I don’t start to hallucinate or anything. I like Tina. She is bunnishly cute. I got here saturday night. I left California on Friday at 1am. Let’s hear it for time delay. I actually managed to sleep almost the entire time I was in a plane. Let’s hear it for Xanax. That stuff WORKS. You don’t think it’s workng cause you don’t feel sleepy and then you nod off for a minute and all of a sudden it’s 9 hours later. I haven’t slept nine continuous hours in like a decade and I did it on a PLANE. I can see how this stuff might be mildly addictive. I’m going to have 30 days with no meat and no alcohol. Can you say detox, boys and girls?

Anyway. I’m here. I am currently with one of my Dad’s brothers’ family. Damn people seriously look different than you remember them from a decade ago. Very offputting. I keep having to suprress the urge to treat 17 year old cousins like they’re still three. Our car blew a tire on the way to my uncle’s house from the airport. That was fun. I also learn little bits and pieces of family history that are somewhat offputting. They’re coincidential, but still a little bit disturbing. I haven’t done much yet cept go to a market and look for pretty sharp things, but they were nowhere to be found. My search continues. Tonight we’re going to take a train for eight hours to see these manmade caves for a couple days, so that should be interesting. Sculptures and cultural goodness. That should be enough inbox clogging for one day. Enjoy.

LETTER:

Thank you for interviewing me. Normally this would be a far more formal letter, but in this case I feel I can dispense with niceties. I just wanted to clarify some points in our interview.

Not having been in a fight or not playing sports doesn’t make you weak. I am laid back, yes. I don’t get in casual fights. This isn’t because I am too afraid or meek. I was just raised to handle things like angry. I just don’t get pissed off that easily. If you think about it, there aren’t a lot of situations worth getting pissed off about when you can handle it better some other way. If I have to be confrontational, I am. I just pick and choose.

I do seem timid in the interview. I think of that as courtesy. I was taught respect. It’s a job interview. Regardless of what you say, I’m going to be polite to you. I try not to let natural impulses take over in situations like our phone interview. While you may have been looking for me to tell you off, or be more confrontational, it wasn’t going to happen. If you want someone who can handle extremely stressful situations, I can do that. You want someone who can put up with a lot of in-your-face attitude, I can do that. And I can smile at you when I’m doing it. After 22 years of dealing with my parents there is absolutely nothing you or anyone in your office can say to me that would get me the least bit upset or irritated. I am good at handling my emotions. Like I said, if I have to, I’d tell my boss to go to hell. But for obvious reasons, that wouldn’t really be the best career move. And you’re paying me. I adapt to your attitude and personality, I don’t expect you to adapt to mine.

I had a 3.0 at UCLA. That’s not great. I could have done better but I messed up. There’s really no other explanation than that. I’m very intelligent and I didn’t put the effort into my schoolwork that I should have. That’s changing. Grades didn’t matter to me much at the time as long as I learned what I needed. Not the best attitude. I’ve worked on it since.

I am leaving RNC. Not because of any incident. I am liked at this company. I am not challenged. I have been given additional responsibilities, but Fixed Income doesn’t really excite me. I’d just graduated, I didn’t exactly have my life mapped out. If you’ve truly run into 20 year olds who know what they want for the next 60 years, I will be seriously impressed. Personally I think that anyone who is dead certain of the path their life should take straight out of college with little real world experience is a little too naïve. I will be traveling to India from June 15th to July 15th. I didn’t get to travel out of college and all indications are that it will be a while before I can do so again. I would not easily have been able to take a month off from RNC and I chose to make a clean break of it and seek alternate employment. It may sound like a bullshit reason, but it’s the truth. I truly am seeking a better long term opportunity and I think Chapman can provide that.

I want to work for Chapman Capital. I’ve read about you. I read some of your Item 7 letters. I want to work for anyone who can compare a company’s future projections to Mini Me boasting that he can beat the Oompa Loompa High Jump record. You’re brash and aggressive and confrontational. The consensus about you is that either you’re a badass who really knows his stuff or that you’re a prick who really knows his stuff. The fact that you are the way you are and have succeeded so well is exactly why I want to work for you. I want to learn everything you’ve got to offer and I can take anything you can dish out.

While my performance may have killed my chances, I just wanted to correct some assumptions you might have had and know that that I still want to work for you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you,
A. G.

I am so Pimp. Hehehehehehe.